I had put on a suit for this shit. Ironed the motherfucker myself because this was the sixth time and I wasn’t failing again. Plan B was an ugly woman whose tits you cried into. It was Plan A or nothing. Tiger town. Dusty roads like varicose veins on a fat woman’s leg. My arse … Continue reading Flounder →

Holy shit. Camp Gramps looked good. Oiled up and smelling a million bucks, he wrote some bullshit into the multiple social media accounts he had stacked with fake followers and looked at himself in the mirror one more time. He was the lighthouse in choppy seas. The firm hand on the shoulder that said, "Don't … Continue reading Camp Gramps and the Attack of the Hairy Muffs →

There had been something missing in my life, a giant hollow that I was unable to put my finger on or in. It had been there my whole life, gnawing away at my soul like a termite to wood. I decided to join a women’s rugby team. I had seen the advertisement for new players … Continue reading A Lesbianic Rugby Trial →

Gas Panic. 2002. Roppongi is Tokyo's arsehole and this was before the Hills, but nobody wants to talk about that. I went to the Subway and there were Filipinos behind the counter. Where the fuck was I? I asked the girl behind the counter for a ham wallet but she just stared at me with … Continue reading Gas Panic →

Alpha Priest was tired. He was drowning in a sea of demon pussy and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could fight it off. He had spent hours in the confession box listening to women tell him what they wanted him to do to their boxes and it had worn him down like the … Continue reading Alpha Priest →

Cunnilingus Sour slid with the grace of a garden snail, complete with slimy trail because it was her arms that propelled her forward with her legs askew like chicken wings. Her cunt dragged across the ground leaving its rotten abalone stain behind it. She picked up the phone and mashed the buttons with her pork … Continue reading Cunnilingus Sour →

I didn’t mean for her to fly across the room like that. I just asked her why there was no beer in the fridge and she got all up in my face like I’d called her a cunt or just told her I’d fucked her sister. I pushed her away but she’s a small woman … Continue reading Where Do You Go When There’s No More Beer In The Fridge? →

The room was stuffy and he was sweating but none of this bothered him because he couldn’t keep his eyes off the stain. It was on the wall and right up near the ceiling. He knew it was shit but didn’t know how it had got there. Could you even wipe your arse with a … Continue reading The Crime →

Coach ran his hand over his hairless scalp and bits of dry skin fell to the floor like fine snow. He had hit hard times. His biggest prospect had lost his last six fights and four had been by knockout. It was looking like the Fisting Kid was headed for retirement and this troubled the … Continue reading The Fisting Kid →

It didn’t make sense to him. They were $2 each or three for $5. He approached the young guy at the register. You lot are a right bunch of dickheads, he said.Excuse me? said the young man.You’re ripping yourselves off over there. Someone can’t add up. It should be three for $6. You’re fucking yourselves … Continue reading A Trip to the Shops →