Phone Call Bonding

The walk from the station at night used to be long and the street lights gave me nothing. I walked home inside the nightmares of the traumatised with the odd pile of undigested noodles to step over. I was careful not to stare too much. They had simply been too much for the lining to handle. I called a friend.
Hello?
Hello, dear, I said.
Who’s this?
It’s grandma.
BULLSHIT!
Guess what I did today?
What?
Had a threesome with three strapping black men, I said and he hung up.
I saw a rat run across the road and under some leaves. Where had it been? I imagined it had just been on a raid to steal food from the inhabitants of the house it had just darted out of. I decided to call my friend again.
Hello?
Hello.
Who is this?
It’s grandma, I said and he hung up again.
A drunk man pissed against a wall that elevated the park above road level. He was bracing himself by putting his hand on the wall but he was standing too close for some of the splash back to not hit his pants. He hummed popular tunes from before the war. I could smell his piss in the night air. I called my friend again.
Hello?
I FUCKED YOUR FRIENDS!! I said.
Grandma?
You bet, I said and he hung up again.
The local French guy was smoking weed in his front yard. We pretended not to see each other. Bonsoir, cunt. He sold handmade jewellery at the local department store that looked like something a retarded toddler had made. That motherfucker would never see my cash. I decided to call my friend again.
Hello?
Hello.
Who’s this?
Now, before you hang up I need you to promise me something?
What?
That you won’t hang up on your grandma, I said and he hung up.
Two dogs barked as I walked past a house that had flowering camellia’s in the front yard. The dim light above me made them look like anaemic souls whose blood had been drained by vampires. I decided to call my friend again.
Hello?
Hi.
Who’s this?
It’s grandma, dear.
No, it’s not.
I love cock, I said and he hung up.
The light of the convenience store reminded me that I was hungry and I stopped outside and decided to call my friend again.
FUCK OFF GRANDMA!! he said.
Wow, hold up there, I said.
What?
I’m around the corner. Do you need anything from the store? I said.
Um, no thanks.
You shouldn’t answer the phone like that. What if it had been your grandma? I said and he hung up again.
I went inside the convenience store and was happy that we’d been able to bond over my incessant phone calls.

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