The Night Fister

Sparks like fireflies molested each other in the air and in the darkness shadows gathered to exchange gravelled murmurings because some sick fuck had been fisting their dogs.
I think we can agree on one thing, said the tall one.
Damn straight, said several voices.
And I’m glad you’ve come armed, gents, said the tall one again.
WE HAVE TO GET THIS SICK CUNT!! said another voice that stepped forward into the light of the fire.
A full canopy of facial pubes hung from the non-existent chin that he hid behind what some thought was a merkin he’d glued to his face so that no-one would mistake him for a lesbian. He wiped the sweat from his brow with the lumberjack shirt he’d recently bought so that no-one would mistake him for a lesbian.
Look at what that fucking ANIMAL has done to Fluffy, he said and held up a maltese terrier whose arsehole was now big enough to twist the lid off a jam jar.
We know, Griff, said the tall one.
Well, we’ve got our guns lets shoot this motherfucker up! said Griff and from the darkness came storm-like rumbles of approval.
Out of the night and into the gentle caress of the fire’s light wandered another shadow. Slight of frame and also sporting the finest pubes a face could hope to grow, he told everyone he wanted to make an announcement.
I’m going to lay it on the table right now, he said.
This is really getting away from why we’re gathered here, said the tall one.
Ronny! Ronny are you there? said the voice.
I’m here, said Ronny from the shadows. He wore the night like a blanket and he threw his voice so that it danced with the fire sparks and no-one really knew where he was.
I’ve been fucking your wife for the past nine months, said the voice.
I know, said Ronny.
Well, I wasn’t expecting you to take it that well, said the voice.
Can we please stay on track? said the tall one.
It’s ok. I killed her yesterday, said Ronny.
Wow, said the voice.
Do you miss her, said Ronny?
It’s a little early, I don’t think it’s really sunk in, said the voice.
You’re next, said Ronny.
Ok, that’s enough of that, said the tall one.
Two more shadows walked into the light of the fire.
We have a theory, said one of the shadows, a fat man with hair down to the crack of his arse.
Yeah, we have a theory, said the other shadow, another fat man who was bald.
It’s Ronny.
How dare you! said Ronny from the top branch of a tree that was now in flames due to the sparks that had drifted up from the fire.
How did you get up there? said the tall one.
TAKE THAT, DOG FISTER! said Griff and he fired four shots into the tree.
I’m not even in the tree, dickhead, said Ronny.
GUYS! said the tall one.
Yes? said the rest of the shadows in unison.
We’ve really gone off track here. All this bickering. It’s distracting us from the real reason why we’re here. There’s a goddamn dog fister on the loose and it’s our PATRIARCHAL responsibility to hunt this fucking sicko down and murder him like Ronny murdered his wife, said the tall one.
FUCK YEAH!!! said Griff and the two fatties applauded in the dark.
Well, now that you’ve all got a hard on over being men, I suppose I should confess something myself, said Ronny from behind a rock that was twenty yards from the tree that Griff had shot up moments earlier. Someone farted but nothing was said because they were all waiting for what Ronny was about to say.
TALL ONE!! said Ronny.
Yes, said the tall one.
I fucked your mother, so that makes me your dad.
Ronny, you’re three years younger than me, said the tall one.
FUCK YOU!!! said Ronny and his voice was now coming from within the fire.
That’s creepy, said the tall one.
WHAT?!?! said Merv.
I killed my wife, but she was your girlfriend so suck on that! said Ronny and the flames of the fire took the shape of werewolves fucking each other doggy style and Ronny howled into the darkness and these howls smothered the others into a state that most psychiatrists would agree was a sudden onset of chronic claustrophobia.
Well, I think it’s pretty clear what’s coming next, said the tall one.
Yep. Just say the word motherfucker! said Griff.
Did you just call me a motherfucker, said the tall one?
No. I was talking to Ronny.
I told you we were right, said the fatties and they all aimed their guns in the directions Ronny’s voice was coming from and that was everywhere.
Is it you, Ronny? said the tall one.
Is it me what? said Ronny.
Are you the dog fister?
No way. What do you think I am? Some sort of sicko?
You’re right. What were we thinking? said the tall one and they all lowered their weapons.
The sparks from the fire continued floating in the night air.

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