A Lesbianic Rugby Trial

There had been something missing in my life, a giant hollow that I was unable to put my finger on or in. It had been there my whole life, gnawing away at my soul like a termite to wood. I decided to join a women’s rugby team. I had seen the advertisement for new players on the internet. It had said: WANTED! FIT AND EMPOWERED WOMEN FOR ALL WOMEN’S RUGBY TEAM. CALL LEX ON…I promptly called Lex. Hello?
Um..yes I was just calling about joining the women’s rugby team, I said.
Oh..well is this for you?
Yes, I would like very much to join your team. I have extensive experience.
Ah..ok, well this is a women’s team.
I am aware.
Well we’re having a sign on BBQ this weekend at our home ground. Maybe you can come along and we can discuss, she said.
Ok, sure, I said and she gave me the location of the home ground. I sensed some hesitation on her part which was understandable. I was a man trying to join a women’s rugby team so that I could cause utter chaos and destruction on the field. I had been lifting heavy for the past twelve months as well so I was in prime condition to cause maximum damage.
The day of the BBQ was hot. The start of the rugby season was a few weeks out but Summer was insisting on riding its shift out until the end. Autumn was a fat bitch that never got out of bed until it was absolutely necessary. There was quite the turn out at the BBQ. Initially I didn’t take much notice of who was there. I was focused on putting my name to paper and becoming an official member of the team. There was a desk set up under a canopy next to the BBQ itself and behind the desk sat an athletic looking woman with a blonde flat top. It was always a flat top with these types. It was like they had all stumbled across the same fucking catalogue of haircuts for teenage boys from the 1990s. I approached the desk with the intent of a man on fire. Hello, I’d like to sign up. I have extensive rugby experience as both a forward and a back. I am happy to play anywhere but would prefer to play scrum half. I am an excellent general, I said.
Oh, we talked on the phone, didn’t we? she said.
Look, this is a women’s rugby team, she said.
I am aware of this, I said.
You’re not a woman, she said.
HOW DARE YOU MISGENDER ME!! I said. I had prepared for this. I knew they wouldn’t want me on the team so I had developed a series of guilt inducing tactics that were sure to get me in.
Oh, um..I’m sorry, she said. While we were having this exchange a rather tall woman had approached us. She stood next to Lex and stared down at me like some mute guard. She had a sinister look on her face. A look that she had developed due to empty feelings most likely to do with an absent father. Either that or she was just a cunt. Where do I sign? I asked.
Well, there’s a trial first, said Lex.
Oh, excellent. Can I try out for any position?, I asked.
It’s more of a fitness test, she said.
Ok, when is that?
In about ten minutes, she said. With that I went off and warmed up. I could feel the adrenaline running through my veins. This was the moment I had been searching for for such a long time. Finally my chance to smack the shit out of lesbians had come to me in the form of a rugby game. I was already imagining the shoulder hits and the head high tackles. I had to pace myself though. I didn’t want to expel all my energy in the first five minutes of the trial.
We were called for warm up. Lex led us through more stretches and some light running. I had a look around at the other players and there were about twenty-five of us. There were no hot chicks and I was the only man. Judging by the short haircuts and shit tattoos, they were all lesbians as well. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. The taller woman from earlier was still staring at me. We locked eyes during the hamstring stretches. I smiled at her but there was no recognition on her end. It was if she was staring right through me, as if I wasn’t even there. I would have to watch her on the field. I had a feeling she was gunning for me. No doubt Lex had told her to take me out. Then I noticed that quite a few others were staring at me. Maybe the whole team was going to try and injure me so that I couldn’t join. All these prospects were very exciting. There was no way I would come off second best against these dykes. Not after all the lifting I had been doing. I predicted some of them would be permanently maimed after trying to take me out. I smiled at Lex. She looked nervous.
We did a few passing drills and they were fucking useless. Most of the dykes had the coordination skills of retarded toddlers. Under normal circumstances I would already be in the team and most likely be made captain. None of these women were worthy of being on a rugby team, but I was measuring them against the standard used for men which was somehow wrong.
We had been doing the passing drills for about fifteen minutes when the whistle blew and Lex called us all to gather around. We had all worked up a bit of a sweat by now and some of the larger dykes were breathing quite heavily. One in particular looked close to a cardiac arrest and she had turned the colour of a beetroot. I looked around for some sort of ambulance that may have been on standby but there was nothing. These dykes had come unprepared. We’re going to do some game practice now, said Lex. She then divided us up into two teams and told us to go off and work out our positions. I looked at the unfortunates I had been given as team mates. I had decided that I was going to take over the team with my dominant and toxic masculinity. They were all huddled around kind of mumbling to each other. The other team with Lex and the tall dyke were designating positions. I looked at my team. They were losers. The kind of girls you made fun of at school. I didn’t get too close to them because they looked like they would smell funny. I doubted any of them had had sex and if they had, it would have most likely been with a relative. The thought of this disgusted me and I briefly considered walking away but then I remembered the reason why I had come in the first place.
I divided them up into positions. We had enough women with the right shapes to fill the required spots on the team. I was particularly pleased with the size of our front row. Our scrum had the potential to be quite devastating if these dykes could work out the technique. I had decided to play scrum half. This would keep me close enough to the action in the forward pack, but also allow me to take a run with the backs if need be. I was satisfied that I would be able to commit the maximum amount of damage running from this position.
Lex’s team kicked off and I watched the ball bounce along the ground. Her kick was one of the worst I had ever seen. It was as if someone had tied a blindfold around her head, spun her around and then told her to kick. The ball barely went the required ten metres. I charged at it and scooped it up and kept running forward. The rest of my team stood around and watched as I ploughed full steam into the opposing forward pack. I hit them with such unforgiving intensity that three of them bounced off me and into the ground. I heard a crack as well. There was also a low moan. The rest of the forward pack managed to slow me down enough to stop me about fifteen metres out from the try line. I shouted at my forward back to keep the ball moving. One of the fatties from the front row ripped the ball from me and took it forward. She was stopped and went to ground. I shouted at the forward pack to ruck over the top and secure the ball. The opposing forward pack was still regrouping after my devastating and destructive run moments earlier. One of them still lay on the ground rolling around in what seemed like agony. I picked up the ball from the back of the ruck and for a moment was amazed at how large the arses of these women were. I was inches from one as I picked up the ball and imagined how very easy it would be to be buried in such a large crevice. I pictured teams of sled dogs slipping to a sweaty and not at all pleasant smelling end as they made their way across this phenomenally huge arse. I ran directly at Lexi who was their fly half. There was a slight groan as we made impact but I shrugged her aside and pushed on towards the try line. She held on to my bicep with one hand and clumsily put the other one around my waist. I dragged her across the try line and placed the ball on the ground. She kept holding on while my team came over to congratulate me.
Lex kicked off again and I picked it up and charged back at her forward pack. This time I had the tall dyke in my sights. She ran at me with as much ferocity as I was running at her. From where I was standing she looked like a demented broomstick. Her hair had the straw like quality of a broom. She clearly made no attempts to look after it. We collided at full force. It wasn’t so much a collision but more like a steamrolling. I heard her snap in half. She screamed in agony but this was something that was happening behind me. I had kept running and scored the try. I turned around to see all the other players huddled around the tall dyke who was still on the ground. I jogged over to see what was happening.
I moved the huddle aside and had a look. I had really fucked her up. One of her arms appeared to be bent the wrong way and one of her eyeballs was hanging out from the socket. I couldn’t believe I had done so much damage with just one run. Has somebody called and ambulance? I said.
Yes they are on their way, said Lex.
Can we at least get her up? She looks uncomfortable, I said.
She can’t feel her legs, said one of the fatties.
YOU FUCKING CUNT! yelled the tall dyke on the ground.
Hey, you can’t speak to her like that. She’s just filling me in, I said back to her.
I think she was talking to you, said Lex.
Oh, well that’s a disappointing end to the day, I said. It was unlikely play would continue now so I walked off to the car. I gave them all one last look before leaving. Lex was staring at me with a look of confusion and the fatties looked like they were falling in love. I drove off with a smile on my face. I had done what I had come to do. I no longer wanted to play a full season with these retarded dykes. I turned the radio on and drove towards home. I saw the flashing lights of the ambulance coming the other way. I couldn’t hear the siren over the music.

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