They were the best couple in town. He thought so, anyway. It had started so quickly and had then progressed into the pure love he’d been searching for his whole life. Goddammit, he loved her and he was pretty sure she felt the same. He had been cautious at first because he was still recovering from his last soulmate leaving him for some fucking guy called Chad. This girl was different though.
Flowers every Wednesday became flowers every Wednesday and Friday. Fuck. He loved her so much. At first she was surprised, if not a little embarrassed about the attention that having these giant fucking flowers delivered to her work desk brought to her. She felt special until it was no longer special and then it gave her the shits. He didn’t notice. He was in love.
Romantic dinners every weekend barely took the edge off his anxiety. He didn’t want to lose her. Was this next level enough? There were so many doubts running through his mind like a hoard of retards at a fairy lights display. She just sat there looking at her phone and nodding at the bullshit he was spewing out in between bites of the ethically sourced vegan slop he had started eating to impress her.
Jewellery would fix it. He started buying necklaces and bracelets. No rings. That would scare her off, he thought. Marriage had been on his mind from the moment he had seen her but he kept that lunacy under his hat. It was way too soon. Some might say too next level. All in good time. She thanked him for the jewellery every week he gave it to her until it became expected along with the flowers and the dinners and then he fell back into his old worries. Was he next level enough?
He wanted to talk about their relationship and when he tried to she just looked at him. “What’s wrong?” he said.
“You’re being gay,” she said and he was confused. He thought he was being next level but he was just being gay. Was everything he had been doing gay? Shit. He was unsure of anything except for the fact that he loved her and that they were the best couple in town. He told her he loved her and she just smiled. He cried himself to sleep that night.
Finding the next level was proving more difficult than he had expected. The raging fire in his mind was no longer being put out by the next level shit he had been doing to hold on to her. He was the shipwreck survivor hanging on to a busted door while the sea tried to fuck him up in all its fury. He was the doomsday prepper that hoped to God that his wife thought he was a man. Then he met a different guy who was also called Chad and the next level came to him soon after.
She loved fucking Chad. Almost as much as he loved her. They had not had sex for a few weeks prior to him introducing her to Chad. She had headaches and a period every goddamn week. What a strong and brave woman! Thank fuck she was feeling well enough for Chad to pummel every hole she offered up to him. A smile slowly spread across his face as he watched all this happen in front of him. Fucking hell, he was so next level it almost broke his heart.
Flowers and jewellery and romantic dinners finished off with a raw dogging by Chad became the standard weekly arrangement they had in place. She was still not willing to have sex with him and he started worrying again that he wasn’t being next level enough. He was like a crack addict or one of those other freaks that sticks needles in their arms. Yes, he was like that. Needles were hardcore. Smoking wasn’t next level at all. They were alone one night after Chad had taken his leave. She was fingering her phone like a lost tourist deciding which street to turn down. She was killing time. “I want to take us to the next level,” he said.
“Ok,” she said.
“You know how you brush your teeth?”
“I want to take a shit while you do that.”
“I want to take a shit while you brush your teeth and I want us to talk to each other.”
“You want me to look you in the eye while you’re taking a shit and engage you in conversation?”
“Yeah, and you will brush your teeth.”
“This is too weird for me.”
“BUT IT’S NEXT LEVEL!!!!” he said and he never saw her again.
His cries bounced off the bathroom wall and his tears ran down his face as he shat alone. He spent the rest of the day thinking about how to be more next level.