Vegan Penis

Two birds frolicked on a branch just outside his bedroom window and their chirpy bullshit was starting to annoy him. She had given him an ultimatum the night before and he was finding it hard to concentrate with those fucking birds rooting around outside. It hadn’t actually been an ultimatum, but he had taken it that way. It had been more of a statement. They had been together for a while now and rather than being an impulse decision, she had reached a point where she could no longer stay silent through an accumulation of moral distress.The good news was that her issue with him was easily fixed if he was willing to make the necessary changes. She took her veganism extremely seriously and if they were going to continue having sex his dick needed to be vegan compliant.

So he sat there thinking it over while those goddamn birds fiddled each other on the branch outside. He wished he had a gun. A shotgun would be best. He’d blow not only those avian arseholes away, but the entire fucking branch would be turned into sawdust on the grass for some stray cat to piss on. Was she worth becoming a vegan for? He had voluntarily gotten a vasectomy to save the earth. That had been her idea. At the time he had agreed with the logic, but of late he had started questioning the decision. She had been so proud of him for doing his bit to halt the population overload and the sacrifice of never being a father was somewhat offset by the look of admiration in her eyes whenever she looked at him. That look had faded, however, and now he was faced with another life changing decision with the request for vegan dick compliancy. He banged on the window to scare the birds off. They just stared at him. One of them shat.

A knock on the door got him out of his bedroom and downstairs. He was yet to shower and was still in his pyjamas. He probably stunk, but he hadn’t checked. She was always telling him that his body odour was unbearable due to his meat consumption. One time in the middle of an argument she had called him a “murdering meat eating piece of stinky shit” before stomping off into the night. He had felt that the use of stinky had been overkill as there was not a hunk of shit on earth that did not smell. He had heard of people whose shit apparently smelt like roses, but he was yet to encounter any. He opened the door. Standing on the otherside was a dwarf in a butchers uniform. His navy coloured apron with white stripes looked to be custom made, but the knives on his utility belt were standard size. At first glance he looked like a toddler playing dress up, but the knife on his belt caught the sun on its steel and put to rest any assumptions that this was a game. “MOTHERFUCKER! HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!” said the dwarf.

“Excuse me?” he said.

“I’ve got a deal for you,” said the dwarf.

“Did you call me a motherfucker?” he said.

“Yes, but it was in the context of the deal,” said the dwarf.

“Oh, that’s ok then,” he said. The dwarf then proceeded to tell him all about the four pounds of meat he was willing to provide him for $30 a week. “Look, the deal sounds good,” he said.

“Fucking oath, it’s good,” said the dwarf.

“But I’m going through a transition in my life,” he said.

“You transgender?” said the dwarf.

“No, I’m making some changes, he said.

“What’s that got to do with meat?” said the dwarf.

“Well, I’m going to become a vegan,” he said.

“So you’re gay?” said the dwarf.

“No. Why would you say that?” he said.

“BECAUSE ONLY LESBIANS BECOME VEGANS!,” said the dwarf and he kicked him in the shins and ran off. The dwarf had been wearing steel capped shoes so the kick had hurt a considerable amount. He considered calling the little bastards company but realised he had gotten no information from the dwarf other than being told he was a lesbian for considering veganism. He closed the door.

He went into the kitchen to get something to eat. His phone started ringing and he looked at it before deciding whether he’d answer it. The display read “private number”. Against all better judgement he answered it. “Hello,” he said.

“Lesbian,” whispered they voice on the other end.

“Who is this?”

“Lesbian,” whispered the voice again.

“Listen here you midget fuck, just fuck off,” he said.

“No,” said the voice and it hung up. He put his phone down and opened the cupboard. There was so much food in the kitchen that would have to be thrown out now that he was a vegan. Had he actually decided to do this, though? The encounter with the dwarf had pushed him towards taking the leap, but if he was truly honest the main motivation was to have a vegan certified penis. He got a text message on his phone. It was her. “So, did you decide?” she texted.

“Yeah, I’ll become a fucking vegan,” he texted back.

“I sense anger in your text. Where is this coming from?”

“I had a run in with a dwarf before. It’s ok though.”

“Dwarf is kind of discriminatory. The correct term is vertically challenged or little people.”

“He was trying to sell me meat.”

“Fucking midget!”

“Yeah.”

“I’m so glad you’re doing this.”

“Yeah. I just want to have sex again.”

“Well, it’ll take a few weeks for all the meat to leave your system.”

“Right.”

“Anyway, maybe we can catch up later?”

“Sure,” he texted and put down the phone. He opened the cupboard and pulled out a box of vegan approved rice crispies. He jammed his hand into the box and brought out a fistful. Instead of eating them he crushed them in his hand and put them back in the box. He then kicked the box across the kitchen. He was angry at her. He thought about eating a steak and fucking a prostitute after killing the dwarf. He decided he had to get out of the house.

He drove for half an hour until he ran out of road and only had the ocean in front of him. Groups of people were running along the sand, chasing each other into the water. He hated sand and the thought of it touching his feet gave him goosebumps. He was still angry about having to wait a few weeks after ceasing all meat consumption to have sex with her. He wished a dolphin or whale would beach itself so he could run down to it with his shoes on and stab it multiple times. He especially hated dolphins with their rapey smiles and dick shaped noses. If any animal had been designed for sexual assault, it was the dolphin. He wound the window down to let the sea air into the car but a whole heap of seagulls were picking the shit out of a fish carcass and the stench had bummed a ride on the breeze and found its way up his nostrils. He pulled the middle finger at the seagulls and backed out. A elderly couple who were enjoying the view of the ocean mistakenly thought he had pulled the finger at them. They responded with their own version, a somewhat more arthritic incarnation of the said physical expletive. He drove off oblivious as to what had happened.

He spent the next two hours driving around in circles. This got boring so he pretended he was a tour guide and he was driving a bus full of holiday makers. He pointed out various locations that he drove past and gave a detailed run down of what used to be there. He spotted a vegan grocery store and decided he’d go inside and check it out. In one of the aisles was a sickly looking guy with a full faced beard. He looked close to death, most likely from AIDS. “Hey there, shop assistant. I need help,” he said.

“Sure,” said the shop assistant.

“I need a vegan penis.”

“What?”

“My cock. It needs to be vegan.”

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“Why not?”

“My cock hasn’t worked since going vegan,” said the shop assistant, a touch of sadness in his otherwise dead eyes.

“So why the fuck are you still doing this shit?”

“My girlfriend insists,” said the shop assistant. Seeing that he wasn’t going to get anything worthwhile out of this insect shell of a human being, he bought some organic soy chips fried in soybean oil and left.

He called her when he was back in the car. “Hey, this vegan shit makes you impotent,” he said.

“What? Who said that?”

“The guy in the vegan grocery store.”

“He doesn’t know shit.”

“No. You don’t know shit, you fucking bitch. There’s no such thing as a vegan penis! You’ve been bullshitting me all along.”

“I think you need to think about how you’re speaking to me. You chose to be a vegan so we can be together. I can’t have a murderer in my life,” she said.

“What?!” he said and he heard a male voice on the other end of the line.

“Who the fuck is this?” said the voice.

“Her boyfriend,” he said.

“That’s funny, I’m her boyfriend. You must think you’re her boyfriend,” said the voice.

“No, I’m pretty sure we’re a couple,” he said.

“Well, this is confusing,” said the voice.

“Hang on, have you had the vasectomy?” he said.

“No, next week.”

“Well I have and I’m in the process of becoming a vegan for that bitch.”

“Extreme,” said the voice.

“You can have her,” he said and hung up.

The rest of the night played out like the dark thoughts that had plagued him most of that day. The first thing he did was eat a steak. Part of him wanted to ask the waiter if they had cuts of meat that had come from tortured cows but he thought better of it. Instead he ordered it rare and repeated the words “bitch” and “cunt” between each bite of meat. When he had eaten he then drove around looking for a prostitute. The streets were virtually empty and if he was completely honest with himself, he didn’t know the first thing about soliciting a woman for sex. He had never so much as been to a strip bar. He drove back to the beach. It was dark now and he could no longer see the waves crashing into the sand. He wondered if there was anyone down there fucking. He thought about what having sand on your genitals and inside the various orifices might feel like and winced. He tried calling her, but it went straight to voice mail. She’d clearly blocked his number. He put the phone down and it started ringing. “Hello?” he said in the dark.

“Lesbian,” whispered the voice on the other end.

“Not you again. Look, I’m not a vegan anymore. I just ate a steak.”

“Where did you get it?”

“At a restaurant.”

“How much?”

“Does it really matter?”

“Yes, it does actually. I like to keep informed of my competitors.”

“Anyway, how do you know my number?”

“It was written on the phone bill you had on your fridge,” said the dwarf.

“And how the FUCK did you see that?” he said.

“I’ve been breaking into your house every night for a month.”

“HOW DARE YOU!”

“Did you notice? No. So what’s the big deal? We spooned three nights ago for fourteen minutes.”

“Gross.”

“Whatever, man. Just come home, I miss you,” said the dwarf.

“You’re at my place?”

“Yep. Fancy another steak?” said the dwarf.

“Sure, why not? See you soon,” he said and hung up. On the drive home he thought about killing the dwarf and leaving the head on her doorstep.

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