Three flies played in the cook’s chest hair that sprouted out the top of his apron like pubic hair out the sides of a careless woman’s swimsuit. He flipped the burger patties and with his chin dug into his chest, attempted to disrupt the fornicating filth of the flies. Three times he blew and three … Continue reading Butterface →

I had been interrupted from pretending to work for this bullshit. We all sat around and waited for him to start. Beads of sweat and lonely strands of hair occupied his forehead like unwanted guests. There was a ponytail. It was a last ditch effort to cling to the youth that was as faint as … Continue reading Team Building →

He sat in the doctor's waiting room with his finger in his ear. Digging like a gold miner, he was trying to touch his brain. Malnourished pubes clung to his face in clumps and gave his face insufficient protection from the viciousness of the air-conditioning. A sick and dying elderly woman stared at him with … Continue reading The Source →

Karen’s promotion was not without its casualties. The young salesman who had broken records had also inadvertently broken her heart when he failed to show the appropriate amount of interest in her. A sexual harassment accusation and a few out of character outbursts in the company's main showroom later and he was wandering the streets … Continue reading The Promotion →

They sat around the table because serious shit needed to be discussed. Candle light bounced off the walls creating deformed shadows in the darkness and the air was thick like a fart in the shower. What the fuck is this all about and how long will it take? said Gen X.I'm not spending a single … Continue reading The Greatest Generation →

She could never abide by the rules of some God. Fuck. Did He know what it was like to be Her? Yoga mat rolled out in the backyard. Facing the sun as it peaked over the horizon. Hello? Anybody here? Oh, it’s you again. Whore. Positive vibes and nothing ever happened. She didn’t believe in … Continue reading Spiritual, but not Religious →

I had put on a suit for this shit. Ironed the motherfucker myself because this was the sixth time and I wasn’t failing again. Plan B was an ugly woman whose tits you cried into. It was Plan A or nothing. Tiger town. Dusty roads like varicose veins on a fat woman’s leg. My arse … Continue reading Flounder →

Holy shit. Camp Gramps looked good. Oiled up and smelling a million bucks, he wrote some bullshit into the multiple social media accounts he had stacked with fake followers and looked at himself in the mirror one more time. He was the lighthouse in choppy seas. The firm hand on the shoulder that said, "Don't … Continue reading Camp Gramps and the Attack of the Hairy Muffs →

There had been something missing in my life, a giant hollow that I was unable to put my finger on or in. It had been there my whole life, gnawing away at my soul like a termite to wood. I decided to join a women’s rugby team. I had seen the advertisement for new players … Continue reading A Lesbianic Rugby Trial →

Gas Panic. 2002. Roppongi is Tokyo's arsehole and this was before the Hills, but nobody wants to talk about that. I went to the Subway and there were Filipinos behind the counter. Where the fuck was I? I asked the girl behind the counter for a ham wallet but she just stared at me with … Continue reading Gas Panic →

Alpha Priest was tired. He was drowning in a sea of demon pussy and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could fight it off. He had spent hours in the confession box listening to women tell him what they wanted him to do to their boxes and it had worn him down like the … Continue reading Alpha Priest →

Cunnilingus Sour slid with the grace of a garden snail, complete with slimy trail because it was her arms that propelled her forward with her legs askew like chicken wings. Her cunt dragged across the ground leaving its rotten abalone stain behind it. She picked up the phone and mashed the buttons with her pork … Continue reading Cunnilingus Sour →

I didn’t mean for her to fly across the room like that. I just asked her why there was no beer in the fridge and she got all up in my face like I’d called her a cunt or just told her I’d fucked her sister. I pushed her away but she’s a small woman … Continue reading Where Do You Go When There’s No More Beer In The Fridge? →

The room was stuffy and he was sweating but none of this bothered him because he couldn’t keep his eyes off the stain. It was on the wall and right up near the ceiling. He knew it was shit but didn’t know how it had got there. Could you even wipe your arse with a … Continue reading The Crime →

Coach ran his hand over his hairless scalp and bits of dry skin fell to the floor like fine snow. He had hit hard times. His biggest prospect had lost his last six fights and four had been by knockout. It was looking like the Fisting Kid was headed for retirement and this troubled the … Continue reading The Fisting Kid →

It didn’t make sense to him. They were $2 each or three for $5. He approached the young guy at the register. You lot are a right bunch of dickheads, he said.Excuse me? said the young man.You’re ripping yourselves off over there. Someone can’t add up. It should be three for $6. You’re fucking yourselves … Continue reading A Trip to the Shops →

He hadn’t died in his sleep so he chalked it up as a win. Rays of sunlight forced their way through the cracks in his curtains like horny rapists on speed aiming for the crack of his arse. His eyes hurt, but everything was going to be fine. Today was the day. The ice cream … Continue reading Blue Pill Ice Cream →

It was time and time was a passenger train hurtling towards the wall that would grab her soul and drag her to bottom of its ocean of loneliness and feline companionship. The refuge of beta males in waiting and cold and clammy nights of shit tinged breath in the dark asking: may I make love … Continue reading Herpes Dynamite →

She was his best friend. That was the best he could do at the moment, but he was playing the long game. Nobody knew her as well as he did. Hours and hours he had spent listening to her pour her heart out about the hundreds of guys who had pumped and dumped her. Surely, … Continue reading Best Friends →

The wooden spoon she had hit them with smashed into splintered shards when she brought it down onto the kitchen bench. GO TO YOUR FUCKING ROOMS, she said and they ran to where she had told them to go. He’d broken it off because of them. No man wants to raise another man’s children and … Continue reading Mother →

It started when I was five years old. I came home from school and she handed me a tape. “I bought this for you,” she said.“Thanks,” I said and took the tape in my tiny half decade hands and looked at the cover. I could read and I knew Dolly Parton because my cousin was … Continue reading Damn You, Dolly Parton →

He hated them. He hated them all with their cackling bullshit. The laughter was hurtful and mean and he wanted revenge. Mother never said it would be like this. She had loved him with everything she had had and she had made all her friends love that peanut between his legs. His legume of love. … Continue reading Anaphylactic Peanut Penis →

Sweety Pie heaved over the ball of dough and loved it more than he’d loved anything else that had ever existed. He was naked from the waist down. He was wearing his apron that was littered with dried pieces of dough that he called “The Friends”. Sweat ran down his forehead like a salty stream … Continue reading Sweety Pie →

He threw back that caffeinated tar like it was water. There would be no faggoty and degenerate dairy in his cup to soil the essence of his masculine purity. Degeneracy was not far from him, though. An image flashed upon the TV. A woman in a bikini. He threw his mug at the TV, smashing … Continue reading The Patriarchal Tradcon Warrior →

Cry, old woman Cry. When you can’t remember those island streets And Your beer stained Nakedness is yelling things you kept buried When You were sober...

Thirty-five hurtled into her like a team of runaway horses and trampled every last remnant of youth that had clung to her like the fading prize fighter clings to the ring ropes before taking that final punch that sends him into retirement. Everything had been fine until that goddamn doctor had told her that most … Continue reading In it for the Jizz →

Below is an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Leather Cannon. It is currently under review and should be available within the next three days. I will post a link when this happens. The Anglers Arms car park is hard but not too hard for me to sleep on. The bitumen is warm and the … Continue reading The Leather Cannon: Chapter One Excerpt →

Twenty-six minutes after he had advertised the room online she was handing over the first month’s rent. “This will do nicely,” she said and he couldn’t believe how easy it had all been. The other room had been empty since his friend had gotten married and the emptiness of the place weighed heavily on his … Continue reading The Roommate →

They were the best couple in town. He thought so, anyway. It had started so quickly and had then progressed into the pure love he’d been searching for his whole life. Goddammit, he loved her and he was pretty sure she felt the same. He had been cautious at first because he was still recovering … Continue reading LTR: The Next Level →

Nobody writes about this town. Except me. With its shit stained river running through it like a big brown dick, it’s barely worth the effort but I’ll try. Homeless pieces of shit stand on every goddamn corner. Some of them try to sell you a magazine and no one is talking about the fact that … Continue reading Nobody Writes About This Town →

Armidale had been good to me so far. I was waiting for a steak and the octogenarian tinder experiment next to me was about to kick off. The geriatric sex fiends were sauced up on booze and had been ushered in from the bar. They were so drunk they could barely talk and seemed demented, … Continue reading Armidale Love Story →

The movie was only twelve minutes and thirty-one seconds in, so it wasn’t a big deal. The call could have waited. He wasn’t that important, but fuck it, right? So she sat in the middle of the theatre with the movie playing at full volume and yelled into the phone at a guy she had … Continue reading Whiteknight Apocalypse →

I was sitting across from her trying to stay focused on what she was saying but I was fading in and out and her tits were the only thing keeping me afloat. I was bobbing up and down in an ocean of bored shitlessness and I was going to have to get up and leave … Continue reading Her Novel →

She wasn’t getting what she deserved. That goddamn guy was holding her back with his sweaty and hairy bullshit. She no longer knew why she had married him. In fact, if she was truthful with herself, she only married him because he had tricked her. He had tricked her into thinking he was something that … Continue reading What She Deserved →

With Uncle Bob in the slammer and Camp Gramps proving as useless as ever, the President had become nothing more than a rudderless ship in a sea of uncertainty and vicious feminists. The last convention had been a complete and utter turd sandwich and the President was lost as to what to do next. He … Continue reading Manosphere VI: Double P and the Chakra Pussy →

Shit had hit the fan and flung all over Manosphere Headquarters and the President was goddamn angry. Hurtful words had been said and ever since Uncle Bob and the President had had their argument things had not been running smoothly. Distraught, the President had found himself with his phone to his ear on more than … Continue reading Manosphere V: Uncle Bob Strikes Back →

The toxicity of his masculinity ran through his veins like the contents of a lethal injection except it wasn’t killing him. It was fucking up his chances with women, though, and he was trying to think of ways to combat it. No woman had ever shown interest him. He had done all the right things … Continue reading Cuddle Club →

The Manosphere had become a clusterfuck. Nothing was working and no one was watching. The Philosopher had blown out in weight even further and Camp Gramps continued to say stupid shit on social media. The President was not happy. His pyramid scheme was on shaky ground and he was willing to do anything to save … Continue reading Manosphere IV: Fixing Chicks →

She thought she had seen God when her head smashed into the toilet cubicle door as he fucked her from behind, but she didn’t find Him then. She thought she had heard God when she was walking home from a night of turkey slapping with a stranger, but it had just been people yelling obscenities … Continue reading She Found God →

The aromatherapy candle lit up the back corners of the room and threw their shadows against the wall. Camp Gramps stood to attention while the President paced back and forth in the dim light of the candle’s flame. “Are you ready for your mission?” asked the President. “Yes, sir, my president,” said Camp Gramps. “What … Continue reading Manosphere III: Undercover Camp Gramps →

We all flowed down G______ Street like the turds we were. Pieces of human turd that would never live up to our potential. I was stuck in amongst a swarm of middle aged women who had given away the reward of raising children for a chance to have a “real job” like a man. There … Continue reading Office Navigation for the Modern Man →

They sat in the car with the windows up staring at the real estate agency. “Ok, son. This is it. Go in there and do a deal,” said Power Dad. “Ok,” said his son. Power Dad watched his son undo his seat belt and get out of the car. Forty-three steps and he was inside … Continue reading Power Dad →

Everything was fucked up. Things were getting so bad that for the first time since he was seven years old, the President was faced with having to get an actual job. Amidst the gentle caresses of the aromatherapy candle smoke, Camp Gramps shaved the President’s face. “Things are dire, Gramps,” said the President.“You’re a winner, … Continue reading Manosphere II: The Interrogation of Camp Gramps →

The Autist thumped the table in a retarded rage. Camp Gramps massaged his shoulders and whispered, “Easy up there, chief. You’re going to win this.” “He has to go!” said the Autist. “You’re the man. This is your show,” said Camp Gramps. “FUCKING OATH I AM THE MAN CAMP GRAMPS!” said the Autist. He calmed … Continue reading A Fictional Portrayal of the Great Manosphere Split of 2019 →

Hideto Higashiyama stared at the lines in his wife’s face as she placed the cup of tea in front of him. They ran out from her eyes and around her mouth like the lines on a road map representing rivers. She had not looked like this when they had met. Father time was a sneaky … Continue reading The Origami Rager →

They had figured him out. Saburo had been screwing the local pachinko parlour out of money for three and a half years and now the local yakuza knew. It had been an accident at first, but once he had become aware of how to win, he had refused to stop winning for one thousand and … Continue reading Pachinko Parlour Blues →

He looked at himself in the mirror. He had tucked his cock between his legs, his pubic hair covering the shaft just enough so that he could try to picture himself as a woman. The light of the bathroom did not lend itself to enhancing any latent femininity he may have possessed and instead only … Continue reading Third Date: Sweaty Tits →

She had pulled the middle finger at motherhood and it had been her choice. Nobody was going to tell her what to do. The Patriarchy had stolen enough from her and the sisterhood and there was no way she was going to contribute to the clusterfuck of toxicity she struggled to wade through every single … Continue reading The Future is Female →

Snakey and Dumb sat across from each other at a table while they brainstormed their next grift. A fly buzzed around both their heads going back and forth in a manner that suggested it was confused as to which was the better hunk of shit. “Fuck me dead, Dumb. Time to put on the old … Continue reading The Grifters →

My friend called me yesterday. He is trying to divorce his cunt of a wife for the fourth time. I went through the same bullshit with him as the other three times. She beats the kids. She’s a bitch. She threw a piece of wood at him. She can’t cook. Valid grievances. They will try … Continue reading A call from a friend. →